My Fight with Fear

With less than one week until surgery, I am completely confident and filled with peace about my decision to donate one of my kidneys to Katherine.  However, since I am writing this to share my full experience, you should know that I certainly have had my battles with Fear.  I had one week where it peaked, but God showed me how to stomp it’s dirty little head back into the ground.

I remember clearly – I couldn’t tell you the date, but it was a Monday.  I was a mess internally, constantly worrying about whether I was going to be a donor or not.  I was waiting for cross-match results which, at the time, I thought would either confirm me as a donor or disqualify me as a donor.  What I didn’t realize at that time was the cross-match isn’t really important to the donor…it matters for the recipient and is used to determine how much medication she needs after transplant.  So in my ignorance, I was waiting for this cross-match result to see if I was going to be a donor or not.

I am extremely fortunate to work at my church where I am truly loved and treated like family.  I unloaded on one staff member in confidence, and she listened and prayed with me that day.  Ok, I felt better.

Wednesday of that same week, I was a complete wreck!  I cannot even explain the turmoil I felt.  At one moment I wanted the results to come back as a match, and the next minute I wanted to be disqualified as a donor.  My emotions had me all over the place!  I was excited; I was afraid; but most of the time I didn’t really know what I felt.  I had a hard time working that day, and I prayed that no one would notice and ask me if I was ok because I knew I would fall apart and cry hysterically.

Sometime in the afternoon I walked into the senior pastor’s office and asked for prayer.  I sure was a mess, but I knew the power of prayer!  If you have ever had a God-fearing, Spirit-filled person pray for you, you know what I am talking about!  Pastor Dave prayed, and I walked out of his office completely changed.  He didn’t have magic words or anything, but we made an appeal to God on high, and from that moment forward, I knew God would direct this wherever He wanted.  I didn’t have to worry; I didn’t have to research side effects or statistics; I didn’t even have to be anxious about what was happening in my future over the next few months.  He assured me that He was in control and I could have peace and rest in that.

I can tell you that since that fearful Wednesday, I haven’t felt that fear or anxiety again! Praise God!  That’s not to say I don’t have normal anxiety about having surgery and being hospitalized for 2 days, but it is not that same paralyzing fear.

With each passing day, my peace about this living donor opportunity remains and my excitement for how God is allowing me to offer this very special gift to another of His daughters grows. I marvel at how God moved in my heart to encourage me to do an unusual thing, and I have enjoyed such sweet fellowship with Him in the midst of all this uncertainty.  That is precious!